When it comes to my view of the world and my relationship to the people in this world, I used to believe that there were two circles of relationship for me. The core circle was clearly family. The primary purpose for being on this earth was to focus on family. Raise children, provide for them, nurture them and create a place in this world for them to make a difference. This core circle also provided purpose for me to do the work I do to help create a better, safer world for them to be part of. This led me to the other circle - the rest of the world. I also believed that I was placed on this earth to impact the rest of the world. Not just the people I came directly in contact with. It included those who were impacted directly by the people I’ve had a significant impact on and the cascade effect rippled throughout the world. And it also included those people that I had not yet met. My dedication to this other circle was always life purpose driven.
In the spring of 2007 I came away from a retreat with a newer understanding of my place in the world and a newly formed clarity that encompassed three circles. The core circle is still family. The third circle is the rest of the world. It is the newly discovered or now understood second circle that provided a level of enlightenment. These are the deep connected relationships with those who are most important in my life. It is with the people in this circle that my greatest learning, growing and understanding of life come from. They are the lifeblood of my purpose. It becomes ever so clear as the second half of my life stares me squarely in the face. When I consider Significance vs. Success, the second circle of relationships and the people I place there become particularly pertinent. My family remains the nourishing base for all the other connections I have in the world.
I set out selecting people that clearly sat in the second circle and placed their names boldly in there with simple fanfare. Of course these people were a significant part of my life and there was no need to qualify any of these people as very important to me. Then I came upon the first name I hesitated to place in the treasured circle. What really made some names a no-brainer and others a hesitation? Discovering the value of the second circle was one accomplishment. Consciously putting names in there with discernment became another challenge. Did this define a commitment to some and alienation to others? What elements of the no-brainer candidates made it so?
Identifying criteria for placement in the second circle became the next step. This is not a simple act. In doing this I exposed myself to the things that constitute a true reciprocal relationship, one in which I feel I get as much as I give. The concept of being exposed gave me pause amid thoughts of being naked to the world. Therefore, the term nakedness became a hallmark for criteria. One fitting definition of the noun nakedness is:
Nakedness: characterized by an attitude of ready accessibility (especially about one's actions or purposes); without concealment; not secretive [syn: openness] [ant: closeness].
Surrounding this definition are the four realms of nakedness that categorize the values of the second circle relationships. I have called this the Matrix of Connection Nakedness. The four realms are defined as:
Intellectual Nakedness: Each party can converse on any matter intellectual and both parties feel heard and respected, even when their views are divergent.
Intellectual is defined as (adj)
1. relating to or involving the mental processes of abstract thinking and reasoning rather than the emotions
2. having a highly developed ability to think, reason, and understand, especially in combination with wide knowledge.
Emotional Nakedness: Sharing your perspective on all that is emotional without attachment to each other.
Emotional is defined as (adj)
1. relating to or expressing emotion
2. being by nature easily affected by or quick to express emotions
3. openly affected by emotion, especially sadness
4. arousing or affecting the emotions
5. inspired or governed by emotion rather than reason or will-power
Relationship Nakedness: Connecting deeply and openly, exposing and sharing feelings about each other.
Relationship is defined as (noun)
1. a significant connection or similarity between two or more things, or the state of being related to something else
2. the connection between two or more people or groups and their involvement with each other, especially as regards how they behave and feel toward each other and communicate or cooperate
3. an emotionally close friendship
Soul Nakedness: Common interests and views regarding what’s right in the world. A deep set of values that are common to both.
Soul is defined as (noun)
1.the complex of human attributes that manifests as consciousness, thought, feeling, and will, regarded as distinct from the physical body
2.somebody’s emotional and moral nature, where the most private thoughts and feelings are hidden
3.evidence of spiritual or emotional depth and sensitivity, either in a person or in something created by a person
4.the deepest and truest nature of a people or a nation, or what gives somebody or something a distinctive character
With this matrix in hand and a trusty 5 point scale for each of the four realms I discovered why some names were easy to place in the second circle and others were left out. Along with this exercise came both clarity and guilt. I now had the list of names that were most important in my life and warranted a new commitment of time and energy. I have vowed to focus on this group of treasured connections, with a purpose to know them each on a much deeper level and to give to them as much as they give to me.
And I now had to face the guilt of the list of people that didn’t enter the second circle. I envision these people as friends and acquaintances. We will stay in touch and enjoy each other’s company when time permits. This group will be placed in the third circle; the rest of the world. This is the resource place for future second circle connections.
I find that as I age I have become more discerning about the precious commodity of time. With age and the frequent travel schedule I am purposefully on now, I find it harder to commit to the ‘rest of the world’ at the expense of the first and second circles. Therefore, I commit to making the time for the first two circles and to share greater connection with the people who are most important to me.
I encourage you to explore your own circles of connection. Who occupies the core first circle; spouse, significant other, family? Whenever we do a values exercise with client organizations today we find that family is consistently the number one or number two key value. Are you giving that first circle the time and dedication of its rightful place as the core? Have you spent key time identifying your second circle? Be critical. Set up whatever matrix works for this exercise. Give the realms that matter to you real thought. Then write the names of those you believe fit in your second circle. Use your 5 point scale to access the reasons for placing someone there. Look at the total scores for each person and fully access who stays and who goes. Don’t allow guilt to rule the day. After all is said and done you should have a clear picture of why you will choose to spend your valuable time with those you select.
